So I don't know if you knew this or not, but they're doing a census this year. You may have received something in the mail or seen a commercial, or perhaps heard it mentioned in passing while watching the news like I do. I know the first thing you just thought in your mind was "Who cares?", but this is where you need to proceed with caution. There's a few things you need to know before you decide to show your liberating spirit by throwing this little mailer in the trash can.
First off, it costs the tax payer the price of a stamp to mail it to you. Once again you think "Big Whoop, I'll pay for the stamp, this is a waste of time." Especially after hearing how easy and inexpensive this whole process is if people just do what they're asked. Here's the first contradiction as it seems to have caused a national outrage that the Census Bureau, or whoever this magical group is that heads these up every decade, has sent out multiple mailers just to warn you about the actual letter that will soon be coming or should have arrived by now. I got both, and I'm hoping you did too or you live in a box somewhere. If that's the case let me know, I can add you to my census and you can come rent a room from me for a while. Wait a minute, didn't that just cost me 3 stamps? Ok, I guess I can handle another 2 stamps just to make sure I'm paying attention and checking my mail once or twice a month... Now you're getting upset because your recycle can is getting a little too full from all of this annoyance.
It gets better. You show your "bra burning" side by getting the census in the mail, ignoring all of the advice and tossing those lovely pieces of mail in the trash can thinking "I've got your census right here Obama..." because Obama is surely behind this whole census thing. Gotta get an approximate head count to figure out what this health care bill is gonna cost and all. Bad news folks, the price of poker just went up. If you did this, soon enough you will have one of your town's finest knocking on your door. We have some real gems here in Phoenix. This just caused your price of the burnt bra to shoot up to $70. Or so I'm told by all of the news clips I've been hearing, and all of these E list "celebrities" on these 2 bit commercials that cost who knows what. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but there's only 10 questions on this census, right? And if this guy has to knock on my door, the bureau just made $70 off of me? I think I'm in the wrong profession. There's plenty of people out there that won't send it back! If you make minimum wage for knocking door to door for these delinquents, you're getting ripped off. Oh wait, they have to pay for this "inexpensive" process of sending out all the letters and reminders, and hopefully recoup the money they lost for these god awful commercials.
Finally, when your census fairy shows up at your door, you may be really wanting to make a statement at this point. "You'll never count me in this health care ploy! Beat it, stinky." You'd might as well just go to the bank and withdraw your whole savings and set yourself a nice fire in the living room. If you shun the census worker and refuse to participate, you are liable for a $5,000 fine. No joke. But don't worry, this is only a "last resort".
So by this point, you've folded. "Alright, Obama, I'll fill out my census like you want me to, I don't want to raise a huge stink." It's only 10 questions, no problem. You can be back to watching Jersey Shore in no time. It turns out, from everything I've seen and read in Phoenix, if you're not of white, non-hispanic ethnicity, you'd might as well be taking the Bar Exam. The ethnic questions are enough to confuse the best of us. Oh wait, there's a help line phone number here, I'll ask them what I should mark. Crap, Jersey Shore is almost over, this is really cutting into my lifestyle. So you call the number, someone picks up and you ask "Yes I'm not sure which one of these ethnicity selections I should be making, can you help me out?" At this point the worker on the other end of the phone line will inform you, "I'm sorry sir/ma'am, I am not allowed to answer any questions you may have on the census. I can't be liable for answering a question for you."
So now someone gets paid to answer a phone and say they can't help you out. Sounds to me like they're counting on 2 or 3 people to barricade themselves inside their house and refuse to answer because these people can't be answering phones for free, am I wrong? And if I were the guy knocking door to door, I'd be pissed if all of the hoofing around I had to do was paying for someone to answer a phone to say they can't help. I'd be requesting to pocket most of that $70, because it is now my job to ask questions while someone at a phone has to refuse to answer questions.
I just want to wish everyone the best of luck in this 2010 "snapshot" of America. If you have any questions, don't call me because I can't answer anything. I don't want the Census Bureau coming after me. And if you have that special someone that's incarcerated, please remember to count them because they may not be living there now, but they live there "part time" or "sometimes", I don't remember the exact selection. Pets don't count, that's the only advice I can give you.
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