As some of you may already know, I received the opportunity to go and try out for one of America's favorite game shows Wheel Of Fortune. Last Friday, which was Good Friday by the way, I received an email invitation to come audition to be on WOF (I will be using WOF from here on out as it gets cumbersome typing that blasted name out every time). At first I thought it was a joke. "I don't know anybody named Gary O'Brien" I said out loud, but the name sounded just shady enough to be made up. After reading through the 4 page email, I figured nobody would go through this much time & effort to try and fool me, so I decided it was legit. I had registered on the WOF website sometime ago at the urging of my lovely wife, but that was dang near 6 months ago, so that didn't automatically click with me. After a day or two of debating I decided "What the heck, you only live once..." so I called the RSVP number and booked a hotel room for Thursday night as the audition was Friday morning April 9 at 10 a.m. in Culver City, CA. The following is exactly how it went down, so get some popcorn or a beer or something and enjoy.
Thursday April 9 4:00 P.M.
This is the time I depart from work and begin my approximate 6 1/2 hour journey to the mecca that is Culver City. I had never been there before, but I heard it was beautiful this time of year. Apparently it's the town where WOF is actually filmed (minus special traveling shows), and it is very close to LAX, so some of you may be familiar with it.
It was a lovely afternoon of 80 degrees and I had my G2 with me, all I needed. Traffic was awesome leaving Phoenix and I was on the I-10 outside of Tonopah shortly after 5 p.m. This was going to be a great trip.
6:00 P.M.
Time to make a pit stop in the magical village known as Quartzsite. This stop was for multiple reasons. First and foremost, due to all of the rain we'd been experiencing, the armies of bugs that gather in and around the freeway areas have tripled. This makes it rather hard to see as the sun is beginning to go down and you're traveling West. You really don't know when and where you're going to be able to stop again as the oasis's are few & far between while traveling from PHX to LAX. Drinking that Monster energy drink at approximately 2:30 p.m. seemed like a good idea, but now it was just wreaking havoc. Thank God for the miracle in the desert that is Quartzsite. Also, they have an amazing BK (Burger King) Lounge there at one of their finest gas stations. Three birds, one stone. One clean windshield, a restroom break, and a double cheeseburger later, I was back on the road getting ever closer to my ticket to financial
freedom.
7:30 P.M.
Ever heard of the "Summit" exit? Well if you haven't, you should probably take it the next time you're headed West. It truly is a sight to behold in and of itself. I had been traveling approximately an hour and a half with a fresh coat of bugs on my windshield as this was pretty much the next place to stop on my journey. By this time, however, the sun had gone down and I assumed the bugs had gone to bed so I jumped at the chance to clean the windshield once again. Some of the rugged & weary I-10 traveling finest were out in full force. I did not snoop around too much as Summit is not world renown for it's beef jerky sales unlike Quartzsite. Only 2 1/2 hours to go!
8:45 P.M.
I appeared to be entering what some might call the "outskirts" of L.A. Not sure if there really is such a thing, but that's what I would liken it as. Perhaps the Foothills of L.A. That sounds good. My Magellan GPS has told me to take the Riverside/CA-60 exit. I have no choice but to trust this, as I have told Magellan to get me to the hotel as fast as possible. Fighting off fatigue, I say to myself "How much longer could this trip possibly be? I'm already at the outskirts!" Turns out I had another hour of driving on this wonderful CA-60. Now I've been to L.A. maybe one or two other times, but never after dark. I'm now convinced that driving in the L.A. area after dark should be forbidden unless you have a PERFECT driving record. I had never been so nervous in my life while driving, but this particular stretch of the adventure got my pulse racing more than once. The roads are narrower, and the people are crazier once the sun goes down. Also, I notice I have less than a quarter tank of gas left. Please let me make it to my destination...
I have no idea where to get gas, and don't feel like being too adventurous at this hour.
10:00 P.M.
I finally arrive at my exit in the wonderful town of Culver City. What a dump. This is not the glitz and glamor I had been expecting at all. I felt like Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's Vacation. "Roll 'em up and lock 'em."
Thankfully I had only a couple of blocks to go off of the exit until I reached the Radisson. I did have an urgent matter to take care of however in filling my gas tank up so I hoped to spot a gas station nearby. SUCCESS! There was a Chevron with a tanker pulling out of it as I thought to myself that I needed gas badly. This would be one less matter to take care of in my hasty departure from this pit tomorrow. If my vehicle made it through the night, that is. You can tell you're in a shady part of town when the guy working at the gas pump will only accept your payment through a delivery hole while a bullet proof window pane stands between the two of you. I could see the Radisson sign a block down the road. Finally, I had made it.
10:15 P.M.
As I wander through the front doors of the Radisson, I have visions in my head that my buddy Dave had planted about a Radisson near the airport he had stayed at a couple of times that was dang near the nicest one he had ever stayed in during his time in the insurance industry I'm assuming. As I turn to head towards the front desk, I quickly realize this is not the same Radisson he was talking about. I thought I had walked into a police crime scene as there was yellow tape strewn about all over the lobby. It turns out they were doing some "renovating" to this what appeared to be late 70's version of the Radisson. At this point I didn't really care, I just wanted to get to my room and maybe go to the bar on the roof I had been told about, have a beer, and watch airplanes land at the airport. This option was quickly shot down with the friendly face I talked to at the check-in counter. Now I know I may not walk around with bells & whistles attached to my body, but something I don't hear very often is someone saying "Oh my gosh, sorry, I didn't hear you standing there!" I had been there a good 45 seconds before she realized I was about 2 feet away from her. This girl would never make it through an episode of 24. I had named my own price on priceline.com and had thought I got a steal of a deal at $60 when after calling the hotel, they were going to set me up with a prime rate of $119. My charges, however, were not done yet. I was quickly informed that if I had a vehicle it would cost me $14 a night to park my vehicle at this wonderful gem of a resort. Oh, and by the way, there was no bar on the roof here, just the Brady Bunch version of a bar down in the lobby where a few patrons were hanging out. I figured if I were paying $14 for the night, my vehicle would be completely and utterly safe in a parking structure of some sort, but that was not meant to be either. I was in the makings of a parking lot cuddled up neatly to one of L.A.'s highways. Not a security cop in sight. Only a sign that reads "We aren't responsible if your vehicle gets stripped down to blocks", or something to that effect. Whatever, let's go have a beer.
10:30 P.M.
Luckily I was able to talk the lady at the desk into getting me a king sized bed after a bit of convincing that I wasn't exactly built to sleep in a room with two double beds. I quickly went up to my room and went right back down to the crime scene that was the lobby to have a drink, and perhaps a bed time snack. Upon sitting down at the bar I am listening to a guy chat up this woman about something useless. About 3 minutes in to my bar visit, I'm pretty sure I ran out of fingers and toes to count the number of F bombs this guy was dropping while coaxing this defenseless female into doing who knows what. All I know is they both had a significant other, they both had a kid (because they were showing off pictures to each other), but they sure didn't act like any of that mattered that fateful evening! I quickly ate my bed time snack and went up to my room. Riches were only a good night's sleep away. By the way, sleep number beds are overrated. What a crock of a sales pitch that is. If I find the "number" I want, I'm sure I can convince my wife to find a similar number so we don't have to spend an extra enormous amount just so I can hit a button that inflates or deflates some giant sac inside of a so-called mattress.
Friday April 10, 9:00 A.M.
The morning was upon me. After getting ready and getting my parking validated so I was "allowed" to leave the parking lot, I went over to the less than stellar restaurant the Radisson had to offer for some quick brain food. After last night's bed time snack, I wasn't expecting too much, so I wasn't surprised at my mediocre turkey/avocado breakfast resemblance of a wrap. The fake hashbrowns were the highlight of this meal. Nonetheless, I was ready to show WOF what I was made of and claim my 15 minutes of fame. One hour 'til showtime.
10:00 A.M.
The doors to the ball room opened and who else but Gary O'Brien introduced himself, telling the few nervous auditioners to come in and have a seat. The "Casting Crew" as they called themselves made it feel very quickly like I was entering a concentration camp. "HELLO! SIT DOWN, WHEN IT IS YOUR TURN SPEAK YOUR NAME LOUDLY AND CLEARLY TO BERTHA (to protect the innocent) AND SHE WILL WRITE IT DOWN ON YOUR SEATING CHART!" So we had to fill out an info sheet about ourselves, typical audition information I'm thinking. They give a quick spiel about what we are doing and what to expect of this "experience". We begin by playing some puzzles from this computer program they have so they can get a feel for how we will sound if we were to make it on the game. The concentration camps comes to life again, "BE LOUD, CLEAR, AND QUICK WHEN MAKING YOUR DECISIONS WHEN YOUR NAME IS CALLED!" This peach of a girl, who it turns out is related to someone I know, spins this mini cardboard cutout of a wheel only after you tell her you want to spin between each letter you call out. Basically they want to see if you can actually think about what you're doing and if you can follow directions at all. Plenty of people acted like they had never even seen WOF before. "Uhhhhhh I'll take an X?" Sorry, that was called about 6 turns ago nimrod. To which promptly the next spin would be Lose A Turn or Bankrupt for that sorry fool. I was ready to nail it, I just needed to wait my turn!
So we all get a crack at calling out letters on these puzzles and making sure we say "I want to spin" or "I want to buy a vowel" in between each one or else we're surely disqualified. The puzzle during my turn was a Phrase and it was about blatantly obvious to everyone in the room the answer was "One if by land Two if by sea." The guy before me decided he'd get cute and try and solve it with a few remaining letters, even though all they wanted to hear was how you'd shout out letters in the first place. So boy genius calls out "ONE IF BY SAND, TWO IF BY... Oh wait a minute..." to which he was promptly buzzed and sat back down. He had just shamed whatever corner of the world he came from to audition. Then Dr. Killjoy calls out "BRAD T." because there happened to be 2 Brad's there that day. What are the odds, right? So I jump out of my seat, I was one of the last 5-8 people to go, so I had seen enough to know how it's done. I definitely knew the answer to the puzzle, but figured I'd just call all the rest of the remaining letters out so they could see what they were working with. I had about 3 letters to call out and was smiling and being sure to say I wanted to spin between each call. NAILED IT. "Bertha I'd like to solve the puzzle please! One if by land, two if by sea!"
DING DING DING! Now keep in mind it's as though you're in the real live studio audience even when auditioning so people have been clapping non-stop for over an hour now, my hands were so sore I decided to golf clap it from here on out, but the applause was strong from everyone else nonetheless. Bertha's assistant Helga shouted for joy and promptly handed me a sweet WOF hat with the logo on the front and the phrase "SPIN THIS" on the back above the timeless velcro strap. Surely a homeless guy, or unibomber type profile would wear this hat with no abandon. You win a prize for solving a puzzle and since Young Einstein had flubbed up and was surely going home, I profited from his lack of intelligence. I was on my way!
11:00 A.M.
Now we get into the meat of the event. We were handed a written test of puzzles and had 5 minutes to complete as many as possible. There were four different categories with about four different puzzles in each category. They just wanted to see how well we performed under pressure they told us. Who knows what they're really looking for. So the timer starts and people flip over their sheets. I was rocking through this sheet, I got probably 75% of the puzzles solved, which I thought would be well above average seeing how stellar this crowd had been earlier at following directions. Then time was up, we had to turn everything in. I was feeling pretty good about myself. Break time! The panel went to go grade our tests. Oh good, video highlights over the years of Wheel of Fortune airings. I was told Vanna has worn over 4,000 dresses since auditioning. I even got to see her original audition for the show about 85 years ago. It was amazing.
11:30 A.M.
Gary and the other Nazi's come rolling back into the room, the WOF highlight reel quickly vanishes into thin air and silence falls over the room. Gary quickly explains how they've graded everything and now it's time for some people to go home and thanks for coming out yadda yadda yadda. He then explains how today they are "searching for specific types of people" to come on the show. Well crap, if I had known that I might have thought again, because rarely am I "what someone's looking for". So Bertha starts calling out names. Ok, guy in the military outfit, shoot, why didn't I think of that. Makes total sense. Next up, hot blonde girl behind me. Yup, I figured they were "looking for that specific". Who isn't? Next, the African American lady with her 80+ year old grandma, you've made it! Well yeah, I guess that makes sense too. A couple others proceeded to be called until Bertha shouted out "BRADLEY". Both myself and the other Brad yelped with joy. Then as we realized we'd done this we both in unison said, "WAIT, which Bradley?" Bertha: "Oh yeah there's two of you, sorry. BRADLEY I." Crap! So close! Ok there's one or two more to be called, saving the best for last. Next guy, wait a minute... The shmo' on the other side of me? Don't even remember his name, but he made a complete fool out of himself. He couldn't even shout his name out properly to begin the process, called a letter that had already been called, didn't say he wanted to spin. SURELY I MADE IT!
At this point Gary says "That's it, thanks to the rest of you. I hope you had fun and continue to watch the show... Now beat it." I may have added the beat it part. Hindsight is 20-20, I should have just played the Bradley thing off and waited until the next round fired up before they realized they shouted Bradley and both of us were still there. May have bought me a little time. Nonetheless, my time as a WOF contestant was over in the blink of an eye. Thanks for the pencil and the hat though WOF! I will never forget you!
12:00 P.M.
After a quick change of clothes for my return leg of the excursion, and a stop at my favorite Culver City Chevron station that was now open since the sun was shining, I had my G2 and was ready to be home in time for dinner. There's just one problem with that. Leaving L.A. I don't know what Magellan was thinking that day, but the "Fastest Time" route had me going all over the God forsaken map. Maybe I accidentally hit the "Sight Seeing" route because at one point I was going through the heart of downtown L.A. on a Friday. Not a force to be reckoned with. I drove past Chinatown, Dodger Stadium, and who knows what else. At one point I had to get off the freeway at an exit, hook a left and get back on the other side of the freeway and go back down a mile just so I could take an exit on that side of the freeway. Does that make sense? Cuz it didn't to me at the time, I thought I was trapped in a maze. About an hour later, however, I was back on the I-10 and was determined not to deviate from this path until I reached the familiar territory of the 101 exit.
All in all it was an experience to remember. Driving 12 hours in a 24 hour period will never be done again by me unless it's a life or death situation. Here's what I took away from this trip:
1) L.A. sucks. Don't ever live there unless you don't want me to ever visit you again. Then that is your ticket to freedom from me.
2) Wait until the "WOF Bus" comes to town. They travel periodically looking for contestants. Let them come to you, Culver City isn't worth it unless you're on the show.
3) L.A. sucks. Never live there.
