Thank You For Flying With Us (Pt 2)

After spending a fabulous week in J-ville, FL, the night before we were to return to Phoenix I started getting a little nervous.  It took me a minute to figure out why, but upon realizing there was a flight and a connecting flight involved, I knew that chances were pretty good something was going to go screwy.  Especially after our initial flight, I had a reason to be worried that something might go awry.  Let's just say that Delta Airlines didn't disappoint with the mayhem.

It was a balmy 88 degrees with about 92% humidity that fateful afternoon/evening we headed to the J-ville airport.  You could sift the air through your teeth, it was brutal.  Our flight was due to leave at about 7:25 J-ville time, and things were already looking sketchy.  An attempt to do early check in online a few hours earlier proved to be quite the ordeal.  After a few failed attempts at checking in, I finally had to call Delta to figure out what was going on as it was telling me we were ineligible to check in.  As it turns out after talking to Doris, magically on top of our already scheduled connecting flight in Atlanta, they also had us somehow connecting in Philadelphia.  Great, a phantom flight!  Delta you continue to impress.  After a few minutes, Doris had everything straightened out and thankfully we still had our original itinerary.  Check in complete, maybe we had the worst of it behind us for this trip.  Yeah, right...

After a successful check-in at the airport counter, we headed towards the security gate and stopped briefly so my niece, Samantha, could get some souvenirs to take back with her.  I thought I'd take a quick glance at the flight monitors to see how we were doing.  Oh look at that, the flight's already been pushed back to 8 p.m.!  What a surprise!  I just got in the building, can't you let the suspense build up a little bit first before making everything haywire?  Well, now we at least had time to eat some food.  The highlight of the evening it would be.

After a quick dinner, I decided to go up to the gate desk to see how we were looking.  Oh no, that line is way too long for things to be ok.  I asked the gentleman standing in front of me what the prognosis was.  He quickly replied in a sweet tone of voice, "We're not leaving til' 8:30 now."  Instantly, a wave of semi-nausea ran over me.  Our new arrival time was 9:41 ATL time, our departure time to PHX was 9:40.  This was not going to be good.  I thought to myself, 'What is wrong with THIS flight?'

No sooner did I ask myself that, then the attendant came over the loud speaker explaining how it was delayed due to the plane being "too heavy" before takeoff and how they had to "de-fuel" the plane to readjust the weight.  This apparently takes an hour or so to do.  De-fuel a plane?  Are you kidding me?!  I can hear that announcement happening on that plane now, "Uh yeah, folks this is the captain speaking.  It turns out we're a tad too heavy fully loaded.  We can't take any people or luggage off this flight, so what we're going to do is remove the fuel from the plane and put a little less back into it.  Don't worry, we will have PLENTY of fuel!"  This is very similar in my opinion to someone telling me that maintenance is on board the plane fixing an issue. It doesn't make you rest easy.  Less fuel than intended?  Are we going to make it?  Delta, you are amazing!  You know how to make everyone feel at peace!

It becomes clear quickly that they're telling people they won't make their connecting flights and making people hotel reservations.  This line is going nowhere fast.  Obviously, no one in the line is in a good mood, including myself.  I've never been stuck like this before, it looks like my streak was coming to an end.  Meanwhile, there's 1 Delta attendant at the next gate over looking for different airlines to get people out on time and hopefully still catch the connecting flight.  She's asking people if they are flying to certain cities to come see her at that desk, everyone else just stay in line.  Funny, no one's going over to see you, how about taking some of the load off of this line?  No?  Ok, just checking.  Eventually she wanders back over to our terminal, as no one is taking what she has to offer.  Thirty minutes later, it's my turn at the gate.  As soon as I get up to the front, another attendant comes out of nowhere and tells me to meet her over at the other gate the other attendant was just at.  Perfect!  This circus just keeps getting better by the minute.  Meanwhile I'm telling my traveling companions that we're probably staying the night either here or in Atlanta and to get the proper people notified.

The attendant promptly tells me it's not looking good.  She really knew how to talk straight with me.  Her final suggestion was to go to Atlanta and see somehow if we could make our connecting flight, as that flight was a little delayed leaving its destination.  It still showed leaving on time at 9:40, but nevertheless it's worth a shot!  If not, we could see some of the finest lodging Atlanta had to offer.  All I had to do was get their "I'm stuck here and don't have my luggage" kit when we got there, and I would have necessary toiletries to get me through the night and a fresh t-shirt.  Awesome, I hope they have a XXL kit.  Maybe the shirt says "I got stuck in Atlanta and all I got was this stupid t-shirt."  I'd go for that.  She talks me into going to Atlanta, and we're all set.  After doing a "quick turnaround", we are all on board from the late arriving plane and ready to take off.  I stand up to get something and hear 2 attendants behind me attempting to do something they are obviously struggling with.  I turn around and notice they are trying to put a ceiling panel back into place.  Great, the roof is falling off inside the plane.  Delta, perhaps it's time to update your fleet a bit?  Oh well, it's just a ceiling panel.  The attendant promptly asks me if I could help them out as they are both about 5'0" on a good day, and well, I have a little height to lend to the cause.  "Sure," I said, "I'll put the roof back together for you."  Let's roll!

So we take off at exactly 8:30, flight's still scheduled for 9:40.  Flight's scheduled to be an hour and ten minutes.  The captain tells us we have a 50 minute flight ahead of us, which gives us just a small glimmer of hope.  This will be nothing short of a miracle if we make it.  Now we will be landing at approximately 9:20 at gate B4.  Luckily, we were moved from row 40 on the plane to row 16 due to all of the people cancelling and just trying again tomorrow in J-ville.  We all know how fun it is de-boarding a plane.  It can take 10-15 minutes just to get off of the dang thing.  We get off the plane into the terminal at approximately 9:30, and quickly discover our departing gate is B34.  B4 to B34, we're not out of the woods yet.  Remember previously what I said about Atlanta being the busiest airport in the world?  Even at 9:30 at night that theory holds up.  We had to make like a bakery truck and haul buns down to B34 as the attendant at B4 was screaming at us telling us to hustle, they were waiting for us at B34.  Do you know how hard it is to run with your shorts falling off your waist?  I wasn't fully prepared to be running, as I had not put a belt on.  This did not help any.

About 3/4 of the way to B34, we come upon a gentleman dressed in a captain's uniform.  He was at approximately B26 and he yelled out to us, "Are you going to Phoenix?!"  To which we promptly replied, "HOPEFULLY!"  He retorted back with, "Well they're not going anywhere without me, so you're ok."  We instantly slowed down just a bit to a very brisk walk.  As we got within eyesight of B34, the attendant was out in the hallway screaming at us like a drill sergeant, "GO GO GO, come on Phoenix!"  I instantly thought to myself, 'Why are they trying so urgently to get us on the plane when Captain Fantastic back there is either getting a biscuit to eat, going to the bathroom, or getting a magazine for the long flight to Phoenix?'  Amazingly enough we were walking onto the plane at 10:39.  They even waited an extra 5 minutes for what looked to be other passengers, but I think the real story was Captain Fantastic doing God knows what in the terminal.  They promptly closed the door after the 5 minutes and we were backing out.  I was only half paying attention but I never did see the Captain come back on board.  I'm half convinced that guy was just some crazy old man that dresses up in a captain's costume and walks around giving false hope to passengers in a frenzy.  Nicely done, sir.

We had done it!  The impossible!  We were on the way to Phoenix!  Man what a relief, and man was I warm from running through the halls and jumping onto a stuffed plane.  Let me just reach up and get that air vent on me...  That's weird, there's no air vent?  First time ever I've been on a plane with no personal air vent.  Maybe there was some technological advance out there that made it possible to not have the personal vents, I could feel the air blowing, it was doing ok.  No sooner do I think this to myself then I hear a guy 2 rows in front of me asking where the vent is because he's warm.  The flight attendant promptly responds to him "Yes sir, this plane was built BEFORE the invention of the personal air vents, I'm sorry about that."  Holy cow, are you serious?!  We are on a dinosaur plane, maybe this plane is grandfathered in and they will let us smoke on it, because I might need a cigarette to get us through this flight.  Once again Delta, you have put me at ease knowing the metal can I'm flying on is as safe as a newborn in his mother's arms.  NOT...  A 4 hour plane ride in a plane that was built BEFORE they made personal air vents.  How many of those have you been on?  Unreal Delta...

Safe to say we made it back to Phoenix at about 10:45 p.m.  The streak is still intact, and I didn't have to spend the night in Atlanta.  Maybe next time...  Delta sent me an apology letter earlier this week for all of the mishaps that went on that glorious evening.  They even were generous enough to give me an extra 1,000 frequent flyer miles for the inconvenience.  Thanks Delta!  Not quite sure I want to be using what I have now dubbed the "Dinosaur Airline".  But we'll see, who knows what the future holds.  Riding on a plane that was invented before air vents, watching them try to fix another plane for 2 hours with no luck, and riding on one that the ceiling panels were falling off doesn't make me feel like jumping right back on the next flight.  Yay flying!