Robin of the Hood

Sitting here watching the Suns try and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, watching Robin Lopez reminded me that we went and saw "Robin Hood" last night.  I put the name in quotes only because when I left, I double checked to make sure that was the movie I went too, because I was pretty sure I was watching a remake of Braveheart.  Doing a quick double glance at my ticket, I was assured we were watching Robin Hood.  I guess it was the "Beginning of Robin Hood", but that wasn't exactly made clear to me before or during the movie, only after.  It kind of reminds me of Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd.  This gem of a movie came out AFTER the original Dumb & Dumber was release, because I'm sure most of you, like myself, were dying to know where these 2 knuckleheads came from.  Just me?  Oh ok...

I've always envisioned Robin Hood, or Robin Longstride as we knew him in this glorious movie, as being a bow & arrow craftsman and at the beginning of the movie, he didn't disappoint.  But it went quickly downhill after that...  I'm trying to remember how much sword all previous versions of Robin Hoods wielded during the course of a movie, and I'm pretty sure from the cute Disney Fox to Kevin Costner, there wasn't much sword involved at all.  I'm not sure what the deal was here, but I was at one point begging for him to pull the bow & arrow back out as a sword didn't suit Crowe all that well in this role.  I'm not sure about all of you, but when I go and watch a movie like this that I've seen different renditions of throughout my life, there's certain key actions & settings I'm looking to pick up on to gain familiarity with the previous characters.  Robin hood and a sword confused me like the first time I saw a football bat.  Yes you read that right, and no I really have never seen one, but it sounds screwed up doesn't it?

It took me over an hour to have my suspicions of who Little John was to be confirmed.  Only because some dillweed asked him at one point, "Why do they call you Little John?"  Horrible character building movie when you're familiar with a bunch of characters.  Fryar Tuck was easy, he's always the short fat guy with the funny hairdo and the robe.  Maid Marion, or Marion Loxley, confused me a bit, but the name there was obviously a giveaway.  The always profound Sheriff of Nottingham finally showed himself 2/3 of the way through the movie, announcing who he was.  What a joke role that was.  Why even have him?  He was a wuss.

And who is this headhunter guy they found?  Never even heard of him before!  Isn't the Sheriff supposed to be looking for Robin Hood?  And when did the passive French get so involved?!  I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here!  Did anyone even see Sherwood Forest?  Was that the forest those creepy kids were roaming around in all movie long?  Speaking of creepy, the mask that kid was wearing made it seem like a bad rendition of The Village or something.  The only "Robin Hood" moment I saw was when they cut the troops off taking the grain away from Nottingham.  That lasted all of about 3 minutes.  What happened to robbing from the rich and giving to the poor?  At least Nottingham was able to make more corn after the Children of the Corn took all of their grain.

Had I known that this was the "beginning story" of Robin Hood, maybe I would have understood a little better, but that was a major downfall of this movie.  It was so confusing and ho-hum, at one point I looked across and my lovely date was sitting comfortably sawing logs.  I think I may have joined her at one point for a few minutes.  Pretty sure I blacked out at one point.  Not sure if it was from the movie, or my butter/oil flavoring induced coma.  I do enjoy that stuff...

When I came to, I kept looking for Mel Gibson to make a cameo appearance in a flashback or something of Braveheart.  All Russell was missing was the awesome face paint.  This movie left me longing for the days of Disney and Robin "the fox" Hood, and Balloo's brother as Little John.  The lion and the snake made a lovely combo of the the evil side.  And how could you not like the rooster singing "Oodelaly, oodelaly, golly what a day" with the whistle?  Come on!  That's Robin Hood!  Rescue Maid Marion, don't come to some town and assume the ID of her dead husband.  That's just lame! 

Robin of the Hood, or whatever the sheriff called him at the end of the movie, left a lot to be desired.  Maybe they left it open for the Robin Hood we all know & love, but if they make another one, it had better be him pillaging the rich and giving to the needy in the beautiful Sherwood Forest.  No more fighting on the cliffs of Dover.  Should have seen Iron Man 2....